In September of last year, I knew that I would soon be going into what I call "corporate mode" in the coming months. DH's mild years are still cyclical. He slips into mild episodes of manic and depressive moods every October through February. I've come to learn his patterns and "corporate mode" is the best coping mechanism I know how to use. Two dear friends of mine saw the change in me almost instantly. They didn't think it was healthy for me to enter "corporate mode" and I suppose they enacted a mini-intervention. There are very few people I confide in, in fact, I can count on one hand the amount of people I confided in before this mini-intervention.
"Corporate mode" is when I shut everything out. I shut out emotion, I shut out pain, disappointment, frustration, loneliness but when I do that I also shut out joy, excitement, fun and laughter.
Why didn't I call you? I didn't call you because I knew that the months ahead were going to be difficult. In August, there was no way I could have predicted that this would be the worst manic-depressive episode that we have experienced as a family in ten years. There was no way I could have predicted the crushing events that would soon transpire. What I did know was that I had to go into survival mode and corporate mode was the only way I knew how to do that.
If I had called you I would have inevitably been facing a number of responses from you. I can tell you that I would not have been able to handle your response. You could have responded to me in one of the following ways:
- Judgmental
- Dismissive
- Evasive
- Authoritative
- Comparative
- Grass is Greener
- Pitiful
- Willing
Dismissive - "Okay, really? I'm sure he can control this, he is just choosing not too. You give him too much slack. Mental illness is just an excuse anyway."
Evasive - "Really? That is too bad. So... um... do you wanna see a movie? I hear Malificent is still playing. We should, ya know, get together sometime..."
Authoritative - "Well, you should just leave his sorry a**! I mean, no one deserves to live like that. Just drop him like a bad habit."
Comparative - "If you think that's bad, you should hear about Joe and his wife..." or "I know what you mean, [insert an attempt to top my personal struggles here]."
Grass is Greener - "Well you know, things could always be worse. Just count your blessings and everything will be alright. Your are very fortunate to have the things you have."
Pitiful - "Oh, honey. That is so awful. How on earth do you even function?"
Willing - "I'm so sorry. How can I help you?"
While the Willing response seems to be the most appropriate response, it is the response that frightens me the most. It frightens me because when you ask me "what can I do?" I immediately find myself lowering my eyes from your gaze and staring at my shoes. I usually, in an almost inaudible tone, whisper "I don't know." In that moment I have to admit out loud that I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help myself. I don't know how to help my own family much less tell you how to help me. The only things I know how to do are get myself out of bed in the morning, go to work, make sure my kids are alright, make sure the groceries are purchased and food is on the table and ensure that my children are bathed. The only things I know how to do are to give my husband a dry kiss, tell him I love him and I'll see him when I get home from work.
DH switches hourly during these months. There is no way for me to know what DH's mood will be in the morning when rolls over and wakes up. His mood will then probably change at noon when I talk to him at lunch. Once again his mood will be different when I come home from work, it will switch during dinner and bedtime routines and finally his mood will change once more as we fall asleep after a long day.
As I write this post, I have a feeling that I am not alone in these sentiments. No one wants to be thrown into the categorical group of stigmatisms. No one wants to admit that their struggles are larger than them. No one wants to admit that they need help from others. The two friends I mentioned at the beginning of this post refused to take 'no' for an answer. They adamantly insisted I acknowledge that I can't live in "corporate mode" for six months of my life year after year. I vehemently denied their claims and they did not give up on me. So, over the last nine months I have spent time and self-reflection on how to cope without living in "corporate mode". It has been challenging. It has been difficult. And it has been for the best. Being honest with myself has been the best coping mechanism I can identify. Being honest with myself has been difficult, and that will have to wait for another post.
~Elizabeth~
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