Socially Shunned in the 21st Century

This post is a little difficult for me to write. I'd like to start out by saying, I don't feel like I fit the typical "mold" of my community. I do not say this in a derogatory fashion. I respect and admire many members of my community. When I first moved into my neighborhood, I tried very hard to fit the standardized mold. Not only for appearances, but for myself as well. I truly believed that if I could just squeeze into that church-going, commandment following, always happy house-wife personality, best neighbor friend ever, mother of the year activities, coolest mom award winning, perfectly clean home, well manicured yard, Americana house with the white picket fence, this mold would encompass my happiness.

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For a while, it did. Every day, I would squeeze myself into this mold. Every day I put on this mask, this persona, of who I thought everyone else thought I should be. Every day I prayed that my secret would never get out. Every day I prayed that no one would ever find out that my home deals with mental illness. My home deals with deep questions of faith and God, of religious affiliation and devotion to Jesus Christ. Every day I prayed that no one would see through the mold and see me for who I am. Imperfect, sometimes doubtful, mainly full of faith but unable to control the faith of the others in my home. I am a terrible housekeeper who cannot seem to keep her home spotless if her life depended on it. I am someone with a deep desire to work outside of the home to keep her sanity in tact.

Many people in my community were confused and didn't know how to react when I stopped going to church. Many people in my community probably thought me to be rude, inconsiderate and selfish to recluse into my home and push so many away. Many people probably thought me to be weak, afraid and unfounded in my beliefs. They would have been right about weakness and fear. They would have been dead wrong about the foundations of my beliefs and unshakable faith in God and Jesus Christ.

You see, when DH began to switch again after several years of good mood stability, -- well -- good enough to keep it hidden from neighbors, friends and even family members, I was afraid he would break our mold we had so carefully smashed ourselves into. He began to question everything about religion and God and the people in his community. His mood swings started out slowly and gained momentum over the months. I didn't know what to tell people. I didn't think I could handle the inquisitions, so I removed myself before I could be inquired upon. I took a preemptive strike to preserve myself, my family, my precious mold.

Unfortunately my kids weren't able to recluse themselves so easily. You see their world is surrounded by church-going youth. These youth were also stunned and surprised when we suddenly stopped going to church. My children have voiced sad words in my home. They have told me that their peers have been hard on them about not going to church and thus it makes them want to go to church less. Having a teenager is difficult. Having a teenager with a bipolar husband (a bipolar father for her) is even more difficult. I know I have been judged. I know my daughter has been judged for decisions I have personally made. I also know my daughter has been judged for the attire she wears. In fact, she was told by one community member that she can't babysit her children anymore because of her clothing. I do allow my daughter to wear daisy duke shorts and tank tops. Many of my community members tend to disagree with this allowance. Regardless of this decision of mine, to not fight my child on things I don't feel are worth fighting over, my daughter is CPR certified and babysitter certified by our local fire department. She is extremely compassionate and well versed in taking care of young children. This didn't seem to matter in the repertoire of what is expected of a teenage babysitter from this particular community member. To this day, my daughter refuses to tell me who it was that told her she could no longer babysit her children. My daughter knows me well enough to know that sometimes I have a hard time holding my tongue when it comes to protecting my children. In her own compassionate way, she protected this community member from the lashings of her mother. She protected a community member who hurt her to begin with.

When my older daughter began to voice her opinions about different religious aspects and began to decide on her own to stop going to church, some of her youth leaders did not take very kindly to her actions or decisions. Again, sadly, this made her want to go to church even less. I have wanted for my daughter, so very badly, to have a strong youth group in which she can feel loved and comforted. My decisions to stop going to church hindered my daughter, and for that, I am truly sorrowful. My decisions did impact and did somewhat drive her decisions. I am not perfect. I have made mistakes. My daughter does not fit the mold either. She had leaders who treated her poorly because of her opinions and her clothing choices and this has truly broken my heart.

For a while, my younger daughter wanted to go to church. This sentiment has changed for her as well. As I have taken her back after months of absence, she gets grilled as to why she is never at church anymore. I have told her, 'well you just need to let the others know that mom and dad decided to stop going to church for a while and now we are back sometimes and that is all there is to it'. With tears in her eyes and pain in my heart, I know that doesn't cut it.

There is a person in my community whom I thought was a decent acquaintance. She has been involved in my daughter's youth group, was a youth leader within my daughter's youth group and is very much tightly squeezed into her own personal mold from what I can tell from the outside looking in, but I'm just looking, so take it for what it is worth. About a month ago, I discovered that this person not only has been hard on my daughter in face to face situations but she has also blocked me on Facebook. A wide range of emotions ran through me. I discovered that I feel socially shunned in the 21st century. Some of you may say, 'whatever, get over yourself. She just blocked you. What's the big deal?' I will get over myself, but my feelings are flat out hurt by this person's decision to block me from her feed, commentary and presence in a virtual community setting, particularly because I didn't even realize that this person had any issue with me whatsoever. It has taken me several weeks to write this post because I have had to take time to sort out my emotions.

At first I was very, very angry and went to a neighbor's house (who has also been blocked on Facebook by this same person, by the way) and I vented every emotion possible with my neighbor. I spoke as though I was a sailor in the United States Navy, throwing out curse words of frustration every three words. Then I was defensive. Who did she hell did she think she was? What have I ever done to her? What on earth have I possibly posted on Facebook that would provoke her to BLOCK ME? Then I was saddened, extremely saddened. I was saddened that any time my community participated in a Facebook thread, I would be reminded if anyone referred to her above post, one that I could not see, I was being socially shunned by this person. This person has never called me out. This person has never shown any interest as to anything in my life and yet, this person shut me out. Judged me. This person decided I was not worth her energy, effort or attention. I can only assume that when my precious mold broke in the throws of the emotional storms I faced within my home, when people began to get a glimpse of my imperfect family and imperfect world, I was shunned by those who did not understand. I was shunned by those who did not want to understand. And in response, I poorly chose to push away those who tried to help. I poorly chose to push away those who wanted to provide comfort and peace. I pushed away those who loved me the most. Like a wounded animal cowering in the corner, I growled at those who tried to come close. To those people, I truly apologize and ask your sincere forgiveness. To those people, I am truly sorry. To the people who shunned me and my family, I ask you to please re-evaluate your own cracked molds before judging my mold that has been shattered to bits and pieces.

Religion and bi-polar does not always match up the way we would like it to. I plan to write an entire post on religion and bi-polar but this is not the post for that discussion. DH will most likely always ebb and flow on his religious beliefs as he battles the fights within his own mind. My children will need to find their place and their relationships with God and Jesus Christ as they learn and grow. I trust and believe that they will develop their relationships with God the Eternal Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost. My example is not perfect, but it is the only example I have to give to them.

The person who shunned me on Facebook probably won't even read this post. She probably doesn't even know I have a blog. How would she? I've been blocked on her Facebook feed. There would be no way for her to even see that I have begun this journey with those who will journey with me. The truth is, it hurts. It hurts terribly that she would shut me out before even letting me in. This is a hurt I will get through and I will get over as time passes. I hope and pray that my children will be protected from the most bitter parts of being shunned in my community by a select few individuals. I hope that one day this person who has shunned me realizes how much her passive-aggressive behavior hurts those around her while she tries to protect her own mold even through means of Facebook thread filtering.

As Jeffery R. Holland stated in his powerful talk in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saint's General Conference in October of 2015 "Though we may feel we are "like a broken vessel," as the Psalmist says, we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter. Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgmental, and kind."

I pray for this woman who has shunned me, that she may one day recognize that we all have our struggles, we all have our difficulties, we all are not perfect and every one of us tries to squeeze into a mold that eventually breaks. Our task, then, is to redefine our molds and fit into them comfortably instead of trying to be someone we are not. Our task, then, is to cast aside the mask from which we hide and create a transparency of who we are to those we love. Our task, then, is to accept that not all will accept us once our mask smolders in the wake of fire and brimstone of trials and struggle. Our task, then, is to accept those who no longer accept us with grace and humility. I pray that this woman will one day recognize that she too will one day need to cast aside her mask and face her struggles with resilience and strength as the person she is with transparency, not behind the mask from which she is hiding.

I pray that those reading this post will recognize that we are all doing our best. Each and every day we are fighting battles and winning wars and redefining our molds. Each and every day we are finding ourselves, who we are and how we will handle the next task at hand. Each day every one of us wakes up and prays that we are not judged and cast aside by the people we believe to be supportive, understanding and kind. I pray that we will all be a little kinder, a little more understanding and a little more receptive of the things we do not fully understand on its face.

Let us not shun others in the 21st century. Let us be loving, understanding and let us let go of those that are not healthy for us to hold on to in the first place.

~Elizabeth~

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