While I really don't feel qualified to give you a text book synopsis of what to look for, what to expect and what clues tell you that your bipolar season is coming, I can give you real life, personal experiences that have happened in my and my husband's life. Together we are getting ready to enter season 17 of this bipolar life. For DH, I'm not exactly sure what his personal tally of the seasons he would consider himself in, after all, we didn't discover he had bipolar until six years into our marriage. Season 17; that equates to 17 years of marriage. Different people's seasons can happen during different times of the year for a different duration than what our circumstance has shown time and time again.
DH's mood shifts are pretty easy for me to spot at this point. It wasn't always that way. I was the one waking up one morning wondering "what the hell just happened?". For years I woke up at some point in the season wondering how I didn't hear the wind blowing, didn't feel the chill in the air, didn't realize that the sun was hidden behind storm clouds in the middle of the day. How did I not know I was going to be caught in a whiteout blizzard?
DH's season is coming. The way I can tell it is coming is the steady and gradual gap between his moods. He is now shifting from overly generous, such as offering things he wouldn't usually offer and then switching to short fused temper bursts that come out of no where and often seem unfounded. Just yesterday he offered to have an extended family pumpkin carving party at our home next month. While I appreciate the offer very much and while I was blown away at the offer, I find myself extremely reluctant to accept his offer. For those who don't know DH very well, carving pumpkins is next to fingernails scratching on a chalkboard for him. He hates the mess, he hates the smell, he hates the ooey, gooey, slimy innards of the pumpkin that need to be gutted and thrown out. He hates the tediousness of slashing away through the flesh of the pumpkin to create that mocking face to stare back at you on Halloween night. It is one of his least favorite activities in the world. Yesterday, he offered to have 15+ family members at our home doing just that with 15+ pumpkins. While I LOVE his over-generosity in these seasons, I have learned that I must be careful as to what I will and will not accept in his kind offers. His offers are sincere and loving when he offers them. The winds do change and that is something I must always be keenly aware of at the time the generosity takes place.
Now the switch.
DH's temper fuse is growing shorter and shorter. The smallest, simplest things that don't bother him in the stable months, set him on fire during the manic depressive season. This morning I couldn't find my keys to get to work. Unfortunately this can be a common occurrence for me. Luckily, I found my keys in my purse. They were where they should have been in the first place and I made it to work relatively on time. As DH was seeing me off, he became more agitated and frustrated than I was that we couldn't find my keys. His temper escalated quickly as he began to slam papers down on the table and run around the house quickly with annoyance and heightened anxiety. I know he was getting frustrated on my behalf, because I was already running late. I understand it. He was trying to help me but with that help he was upsetting himself. I think the times I get the most overwhelmed with his high level temper bursts is when a normal situation sets him off in anger. When there really isn't a warranted reason for him to be as upset as he is, and yet he is, he is angry and insatiable. When I have to wait for his emotional drunkenness to wear off before I can have a logical conversation with him, that is what is most aggravating for me. Much like we have to wait until the blizzard stops or at least dies down before we can shovel our driveway, so too do I have to wait. It is maddening watching the snow build and build with the realization of how heavy and wet the snow clean up will be, and yet, it will be necessary. The snow must be moved in order to transport the vehicle from the driveway and move forward with the ability to go from one place to another. The emotional clean up has to take place in order to keep my emotional vehicle from stalling in emotional embankments of snow.
The winds of change have begun. As I predicted a little while ago in a recent post about not being ready for the new season, I do believe the season is coming upon us. How many storms we will have, I do not know. If it will be a mild season or a severe season, I do not know. The winds are changing, the chill is in the air, the smell is there and in the far off distance, I can see the clouds. The sun is not hidden yet. It is still bright and in view. I believe, in my heart of hearts, that knowing the season, recognizing the season, understanding the season, preparing for the season and working during the season is what is going to get me through this season this year.
~Elizabeth~
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