So, I was driving home from work this evening and DH informed me that he spent a fair amount of money on things that he felt were good purchases. I then began questioning him on what he spent $250 on today.
Let me back up just a little bit. Excessive spending and debt has been an issue in our marriage for a long time running. During DH's manic-depressive episodes, packages have arrived from Amazon regularly and I have become more and more upset with the influx of stuff and depletion of money in our account. Excessive spending is a very, very common behavior for individuals who are bipolar. It is by no means an excuse, so those of you reading this who have bipolar and are saying "hey, it's a common behavior. I can't help it. I guess it is what it is." Wrong! You do have the ability to have impulse control, it is just harder for you. You have to work at it more than others.
Okay back to tonight, because quite frankly, I'm not done venting! DH then proceeded to tell me over the phone (I'm driving by the way) that $40 of the $250 was because DH said that DD1 told him that this item that we already own, a camping tent, was broken so we need a new one.
I'd like to ask you a question? What do you get when you mix a manic husband who is entering into a hypomanic state as fast as the speed of light and a teenager daughter with raging hormones and an exhausted wife from a long day at work? I'll tell you what you get: A HUGE VOLCANO ERUPTION!
DD1 did not want to feel responsible for another fight between mom and dad. Her defenses sky rocketed and DH felt surrounded by estrogen and personal attacks against him! Boy did his fight or flight senses kick into gear as our DD1 exclaimed "I NEVER TOLD YOU TO BUY A NEW ONE!" Do you know what is more fun than listening to your children fight with each other? Listening to your spouse and your child fight with each other, over the phone, while you are driving home, with no ability to break it up! DH was getting angrier and angrier because he was feeling attacked by my line of questioning on the phone and DD1's outrage at DH's comments while on the phone with me. I was getting angry because DH was getting angry. At this point, I held my anger in pretty well and I quickly ended the phone conversation because I knew this situation was going south extremely fast.
In his defense, DH called me back before I reached home. He called me back to tell me he was sorry and would return everything he bought. This frustrates me as well. He was swinging from one side of the pendulum to the other and I know that is no good either. So what do I do? I let my exhaustion take over and get mad at him, the tone in my voice becomes stern and I tell him I need time to process everything and evaluate if we need all of the things he purchased. It is very likely that we may need a new tent. It is not very likely that we need new sleeping bags.
Dealing with impulse buying can be a very difficult thing to manage in a marriage with someone who has bipolar. I know that DH had good intentions in buying what he bought. We have a camping trip planned next week and I agree that we need to make sure we have adequate gear. Often it is not the situation itself that is as frustrating but it is the way in which the situation was executed.
For spouses of those who have bipolar, we feel we have so little control over so many things and when communication is breached and impulse buying occurs it can often send us through the roof with anger. Sometimes taking away the credit cards is a good idea. Sometimes it is not. Sometimes completely taking over the finances is a good idea. Sometimes it is not.
I wish I could tell you what you should do with your bipolar partner. The only thing I can tell you is that communication is imperative. The options to be able to return the item or items is imperative. Expressing gratitude to your partner for what he or she tried to do, because in their mind they were convinced that they were doing something good (even if it was just for them and not you), is imperative. A dear friend of mine gives her bipolar partner an allowance. Once the allowance is gone, he is done for the month. This might work for you. It might not. Communicating with your partner about what is acceptable and what is not acceptable is so important.
For my marriage, we have agreed and are supposed to approve large purchases with each other before the purchase is made. Sometimes that doesn't happen. Realize that you are not perfect and your bipolar partner is not perfect either. You will each make mistakes, probably daily. I cannot express enough the level of patience you need to have to get through impulsive behaviors, particularly over-spending.
As I have mentioned before, I love my husband very much. He makes me crazy with his illness but on the bright side... I just have to wait a few hours and the mood will change again! Venting officially finished.
~Elizabeth~
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