Have you ever seen the move "Jumanji" with Robin Williams? A roll of the dice and something new happens. Perhaps a monsoon, perhaps monkeys terrorizing your kitchen, perhaps the chase of lions and humans, perhaps, even, falling through your own floor... It is as if I am falling through my own floor as I helplessly watch inevitable events transpire around me.
Living with someone who has manic-depressive / bipolar is like living in an emotional Jumanji. You see, people with bipolar will often do what is clinically called as "switching". When your loved one, in my case DH, is in the throws of an episode, switching is extremely common and regular.
In September of last year DH encountered another episode. Episodes can last weeks, months or even years. Episodes can remain dormant for weeks, months or even years. DH's episodes have remained fairly dormant over the last several years. In September of 2014 another episode came to life and has turned our lives upside down. DH's episode is still ongoing today since September which places us at about nine months or so. In these episodes, switches occur. When I say switch it means he changes from manic to depressive on daily and hourly rollover times.
In her book "When Someone You Love Is Bipolar: Help and Support for You and Your Partner" Cynthia G. Last, PhD, identifies tendencies of manic behaviors and tendencies of depressive behaviors. Manic and hypomanic phases may constitute of overly jovial, happy, joking and playful. The individual may think he or she is on top of the world and everything is wonderful and delightful without a care in the world. That being said, a hypomanic mood can then transition into extreme irritability, anger and sometimes rage at the simplest of things (Last).
On the other hand, depressiveness can look like sadness, emptiness, loneliness, boredom and withdrawn. Depressed moods are often accompanied with feelings of emotional pain that then manifest into physical pain elsewhere in the body (Last). Sometimes this sadness is so painful that it pushes the suffering person to the point of self-mutilation and cutting just to find a way to release the intense emotional pain that will not escape their body.
DH has lived these switches daily for the last nine months, and I have lived them with him. DD1 and DD2 have lived them with us. DH has brought me to elevations of extreme happiness and DH has left me questioning every piece of my world as I know it. I have cried in my bathtub more times than I can even count. I have rolled into fetal position to keep myself from falling through the floor. My heart has leapt at the exciting adventures we have taken while gliding in a glider across the mountainous ranges over the Rocky Mountains. DH has surprised me with amazing gifts and things I desire at the most unexpected times. DH has kissed my lips ever so softly sending fluttering butterflies through my stomach. DH and I have fought relentlessly about ranges of topics, some important, some unimportant. Fighting fair with someone who is in a hypomanic episode is extremely difficult and there have been times when I have not risen to the occasion. There have been other times when I have. DH has been suicidal and in these suicidal episodes of depression, I have lived in fear. Fear that I will lose my soul mate forever. Fear of abandonment from my soul mate. Fear of how strong I will have to be if he successfully takes his life.
DD1 and DD2 try very hard to make sense of all of this. They understand that dad is sick. They understand that he can't help certain things. They hope that he will find a way to be able to overcome his illness. Just as every child wants, they want to please their father. Children falter. Parents falter. Individuals with mental illness falter.
My hope is not gone. Sometimes, my hope is very hard to find. Bipolar illness is not curable at this time. It is an illness that can be maintained through medication management and cognitive behavioral therapy. Through all of this, I love my husband. I love DH more than I can possibly express. Is my life hard? Absolutely. Do I wish for an easier life? You better believe it. Do I believe I can continue living with a bipolar spouse? Each day you ask me, my answer will change.
It is my true hope that through awareness, through hard work, through dedication, through understanding, through love, through God, through logical thinking and emotional feeling, DH and I will get through this. We will get through this with outstanding marks. Here is the catch, DH must want it too. He must decide to get through this as well. This is a realm in which I have no control. This is a realm where his self-actualization is what will make or break our future. Do I believe he can do it? Most certainly yes. Do I believe he will do it? The answer to this couldn't be more lost in my own mind. It is my hope that my life, my experiences, my hardships are not lived in vain. It is my hope that no matter what happens in my life that someone else's life can connect to mine in which we draw strength from one another instead of continually fighting for stability on our own.
~Elizabeth~
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