"It's nice to meet you DH," he began, "I've asked Elizabeth to bring you to my office before you get married. It is important you understand Elizabeth's health. You need to know what you are getting into." DH gave a slight nod and was silent. "As you know," he continued as he looked at DH, "Elizabeth had cancer and underwent aggressive forms of chemotherapy treatment. Because of these treatments Elizabeth cannot have children."
My jaw opened in disbelief. I began to stutter, tears welled up in my eyes. "But I thought... You said.. I mean..." Sensing the panic in my voice he interrupted me. "We've run all the tests, we've put you on hormonal therapy, we've tried to get your ovaries to produce on their own and they are not responding. I'm sorry but your ovaries are too damaged to ovulate."
I interrupted him again and blurted, "but you said, you said I would be able to have children!" The gynecologist shifted his gaze from DH toward me, his posture and voice softened just slightly. "You can't have children with your own eggs. Science is advancing and in-vitro fertilization is becoming more and more successful. We can combine a donor egg with DH's sperm and you can possibly carry the fetus to term."
DH joined the conversation. "Does insurance cover something like that?"
"Unfortunately advanced reproductive technology is not covered by insurance. It is much too experimental at this point. You will have to pay out of pocket. After the two of you are married, make another appointment with my office and we can discuss details and specifics on how to proceed financially and medically."
After a few more minor points, the doctor excused himself from the exam room, leaving the heavy silence between DH and myself to hang between us uncomfortably. I began to sob. I placed my face in my hands and cried shoulder shuddering, breath heaving cries. Through gasps of air I managed to get out these words: "I ... am so ... sorry! If ... if you.... you don't want .... want to marry .... marry me ... I under..... I understand! This isn't ... this isn't... isn't right!"
In that moment, DH held me. He held me tight. He uttered words that I will never forget. "Elizabeth," he said, "I am marrying you for YOU, not your body. I love you for YOU!" I cried harder. When I was finally able to compose myself we left the doctor's office.
This post is addressed to the infertile couples, friends and families of these infertile couples who try to understand and to those who do not understand at all. I could spend time examining the technicalities, clinical terms, remedies and specifics of infertility, but that is not what I wish to do, not here.
Mentality of infertility is hard to understand. Infertile couples must always go through a grieving process of loss of what never was. Of the first commandments God gave Adam and Eve, one was to multiply and replenish the earth. When I learned that I could not personally fulfill this commandment, I believed myself to be inherently broken, inherently wrong, inherently damned through no fault of my own. It is ingrained in us from the time we are five and six years old that having your own children is the highest honor you can achieve. When we learn this honor has been taken from us, it crushes us and we have to rebuild. Some how, some way, we have to find a way to rebuild.
Right about now, as you read this post, there are people who do not agree with me. Right about now there are those who are thinking 'that's not true. I CHOOSE to NOT have children. I don't have to have children to complete my life. Having children is not the end all be all of this life. I've chosen not to have children and I am extremely happy with that choice. I am not broken or damned in any way.'
For those of you who do not want to have children by personal choice, that choice is your God-given right. I will be the last person on this earth to tell you that you should want children when you do not. Just as it is your God-given right to forego the opportunity to have children, it is my God-given right to want to get pregnant and have children.
If not having children does not bother you, I guarantee you, it tears out the heart of your best friend who visits her secret Pinterest board of "everything infant" every day and yet and she carries on in societal functions as if she is strong and is not phased by the struggles of her life. If not having children does not bother you, I guarantee you, it strikes at your buddy's gut who just recently proclaimed "Man, I'm so glad I did not have kids with her! Life is too short to be tied down to anything! From here on out, I'm gonna live the best damn bachelor life there is!" it tears at him, and you have no idea.
For women who cannot have children, we feel at a societal disadvantage. When there is a birth in the community or family, we must decide if we are strong enough to attend the baby shower as a reminder of what we so deeply desire and cannot have. We must decide if we will go to the hospital to visit the new mother and babe or if we will wait until the family has returned home for a visit to spare us the agony of walking through a hospital maternity ward. We must decide if we want to weigh in on such debatable topics that are hot spots for everyone with an opinion. Do we even know what our opinion is on nursing in public if we can't have the opportunity to nurse our own child? Do we know where we stand on cesarean section child birth versus vaginal child birth? Do we even have a position on natural in-home births versus hospital births with epidural assistance having not experienced either one? When we are at a family function and our sister squeals with delight, "Touch my belly! The baby is kicking!" we have to politely excuse ourselves because we can't handle the pain in our chest as our hearts break for the longing of our own 'touch my belly' moments. All the while, people around us get offended that we can't just be happy for them and their bundle of joy.
Once offensiveness kicks in we get to deal with statements in social situations that we play over and over in our mind in the late hours of the night. Things like "when are you going to get started?" or "You've been married for like, what, years now? When are you going to make a family announcement?" and a whispered "Well, are you sure you are having sex right, I mean, the right positions and at the right times and stuff?" How about this one: "You can watch my kids any time to make you feel better." as if watching someone else's child will soothe that ache in our hearts and pain that swells inside us. The bolder move of this statement is when someone simply hands us their 12 to 24 month old child assuming that we want to hold the child and this will fix all our problems. Demeaning statements happen too. A personal example of mine from a family member in years past: "You know, you are so lucky you can't have kids! I mean, I wish I could go back in time and travel the world with my husband instead of getting tied down to kids as soon as I got married. Enjoy your time off!" These statements are made, these actions are taken and then it is wondered why we can't just be happy for you and your developing family.
It isn't that we aren't happy for you. We are very happy for you, even if your choice in words and actions could use some refinement. Sometimes we are also very jealous of you. We want that happiness for ourselves so badly that it physically hurts. Do we have bitter moments? Of course. Do we wish it was us instead of you? Absolutely. Do we know how to balance our emotions of ourselves with our emotions of you appropriately? In the heat of the moment, not usually. We want to feel that child in our belly. We NEED to feel that child in our belly. We want to take that pregnancy test and see two pink lines instead of one. Each month when we use the restroom and find it is that time of the month again, our heart sinks deeper than the month before. We want our monthly menstrual cycle to stop so we can grow a child inside of us. Sometimes, we even lie in our beds at night and place our hand on our stomach wondering, if maybe, just maybe we felt miraculous movement even though logically we know we are not pregnant.
If you are struggling with infertility, allowing yourself to grieve while striving to build your family through reproductive technology or adoption is extremely difficult. Acknowledge how difficult this task is on the strongest of persons. Do not buy into the notion that grieving means you have given up on your dreams of starting, building and having a family. Grieving does not mean that you have given up. Grieving means you will work through your loss and find a way to move on, one way or another, you will move on. Allow yourself to grieve this loss AND build your family simultaneously.
If you are struggling with infertility, be patient with yourself when you find yourself in social situations that nearly break you in half. If you are criticized by people who do not understand your protective distance, take pity on them and their ignorance. They are not the boss of you. They do not get to tell you how you should act, feel or behave. As you grow, you will come to understand emotional behaviors of criticism are based on hurt and fear of the person who does not understand you or your condition of infertility. Do not concern yourself as to whether or not you must comfort someone else for not understanding your infertility. They will lick their wounds and move on and you will become stronger for making it through one more difficult situation. Acknowledge your feelings, acknowledge your emotions, acknowledge the mental waves of positive and negative moments you experience daily. Infertility mentality of sorrow and struggle can be overcome but you must decide how you will overcome it.
You are not inherently broken, you are not inherently damned. You are beautiful, you are amazing and you will build the family you desperately desire through a plan between you, your partner and God. Trust in Him who gave us life and He will unfold your plan in the order it was designed to take place in your life.
You are worth so much more than what your body can or cannot do. Love yourself for you in the way that DH loves me for me.
~Elizabeth~
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