My Personal Experience: The Suicide Prevention Walk

In September I attended the National Suicide Prevention Awareness community event and walked with over two thousand people in a united plight of sorrow, thanksgiving, awareness, celebration of life and recognition of the fragile lives who's journey ended too soon.

When I decided to participate in this walk I received mixed responses from my husband and older daughter, ranging from "why on earth do we want to do this?" to "I didn't think you would actually register for it and make us go!"

I want to talk about each family member's response in turn to the walk experience.

DH was actually pretty confused and legitimately upset. Personally, I have never done a walk before. Nope, not one. Not for any cause. Not for childhood cancer awareness. Not for multiple sclerosis. Not for political causes. Not for breast cancer awareness. Not for anything. Why then, on God's green earth, did I choose THIS walk? THIS cause? Suicide Prevention? What!?

When DH directly asked me, I could not answer him directly. I didn't have a direct answer, other than "I just want to. I don't know. I just... I just do. I need this for me. I need this to heal." DH also told me he didn't want to go but that he would go to support me. I retorted with telling him that he didn't have to go. I wasn't about to make him but that I was going whether he went or not. DH did go to support me.

When we arrived that Saturday morning, he immediately regretted his decision. He did not want to walk around to the different booths. He did not want to pass the tents housing hundreds of memorials in the forms of photographs, quilts and displayed sheets of paper for those who had taken their lives much too soon. He did not want to socialize. He wanted to stay in the outskirts of the events taking place. He became choked up and had a difficult time voicing his emotions. He had a difficult time talking, period. He spoke of his late mother for a few minutes. He spoke of how he will never know if it was a legitimate automobile accident or if it was an intentional action, her last and final intentional action. I squeezed his hand and whispered, "I know". Of the few words he spoke, they were words of regret and remorse and struggle. I knew how hard this was for him and I thanked him for his presence. I thanked him for being here at the walk event and I thanked him for being HERE, for not choosing to end his own life. I thanked him for choosing to continue to be my companion and my partner with me, HERE on this earth.

DD1 behaved as typical teenagers do. She just wanted to get on with it and be done so we could go to the State Fair afterward. She acted unphased by the events around her. We brought DD1's friend with us as well. The two of them skipped about (well not actually skipped, but I like the imagery there). They bounced from booth to booth, tent to tent, taking in their surroundings. When I asked DD1 if she wanted to place a sign on her back for anyone in particular, including a prior Girl Scout troop leader, she quickly said "no". I said "okay" and left it at that. As we followed the crowd when the walk began, I couldn't find DD1 and her friend. Then as I turned my head to the right, I saw her. She was standing, slightly hunched over a table, marker in hand while quietly and respectfully writing something carefully with heartfelt words. DD1 and her friend had stopped at the booth that had the large stickers to be placed on their backs and they both wrote the same thing: "I'm walking for everyone who has lost or attempted suicide." As teenage girls do, they took turns placing the large stickers on each other's backs and began the walk. My heart swelled with love and pride of these two beautiful women for engaging in this event and openly expressing themselves about such sensitive and difficult emotions.

DD2, in contrast, was very excited to place a sticker on her back. She too, brought a friend her age with us to the park. This friend is also a fellow girl scout and also knew the girl scout leader who took her life in June. DD2 and her sweet friend both placed the name of their girl scout leader on their stickers and stuck them to each other's backs. DD2 was excited and amazed that face painting and crafts were FREE. "Yes, sweetheart," I giggled, "this is a charity event. Everyone is here to support and help one another. They aren't here to make money. The face painters and craft booths are donating their time and supplies." With DD2 and her friend's faces painted, stickers on their back and craft created in hand, they also began the walk when the signal was given. DD2, even at her young age, experienced a healing of her own. In this walk she was given power and strength. She knew that this walk was for Natalie. She finally felt like she could do something, anything -- even if just a walk -- for Natalie. In an utterly hopeless sense of loss and unknown actions, DD2 was able to positively and triumphantly act for a circumstance completely out of her control.

As beautiful as these children are, they are children.
I choose to maintain their privacy on this blog.

And now, my response. I was overwhelmed at the masses of people in attendance for this event. I knew that there would be a decent turnout based on advertisements on the radio, but I had no idea the event would be so successful. I had no idea there would be so much organization. I had no idea there would be so many volunteers. I had no idea there would be so much material on suicide prevention both in pamphlet and speakers. I had no idea how many people have truly been effected by suicide. My breath was taken from me and I was in awe at the community of people supporting each other through such difficult times. As we passed tents and booths toward the starting point of our walk, I stopped short at the beads booth. Obviously our girls wanted beads, I mean they're girls, come on... There was a large sign allocating a color strand for each event someone may have gone through. I should have taken a picture, but I didn't think of it at the time. I'll list what I remember, but I don't think I will get them all.

• A color strand for anyone who has lost a son or daughter
• A color strand for anyone who has lost a father or mother
• A color strand for anyone who has lost a friend or loved one
• A color strand for anyone who has attempted suicide
• A color strand for anyone who has a loved one who has attempted suicide
• A color strand for anyone who has a mental illness
• A color strand for anyone who has a loved one who suffers from mental illness

My children and their two friends selected the appropriate bead strands for our personal lives. I selected mine as well. We walked with pride as our beads hung loosely around our necks. By the end of the walk, I felt a comradery with those other two thousand people joined in this walk. Though I did not know a single person individually, I felt connected to them. I did, to some small degree, feel as though a healing balm had lightly coated my heart. I was grateful that even though DH and DD1 did not want to go and were utterly confused at my choosing to participate in this event, I was grateful that they came and experienced what I experienced too. I don't know what their end emotions were as we climbed into the car and began normal life again of eating takeout food and attending the State Fair, but I do know that I loved having them with me and I loved having the opportunity to be with them during this personal healing time for me specifically.

~Elizabeth~

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