1) Pause
2) Rewind
3) Play
As I entered her bedroom, I immediately paused the conversation from 'my tummy hurts' and rerouted it. I asked DD2 what she was thinking in her mind at that exact moment. She told me, "I'm worried that DD1 (older sister) doesn't like me any more." With her eyes filled with tears we explored different avenues together and rewound the day to determine if something specific that day might have happened between the two sisters to spark this emotional thought. Nothing really stuck out so I then merged my knowledge of Love and Logic (which I have purchased and have been using for years with my children. Side note* I am not endorsing this product either). Love and Logic teaches that when you discuss ideas with your children, you always suggest the worst idea first and the best idea last. So we worked through it together. I asked DD2 what she thought we could do about the thought that her older sister doesn't like her. She didn't know so I started making suggestions, "well, what if you went up to DD1 and started yelling at her and told her she had to like you?"
I got the infamous eye roll and the response "Duh, MOM! You'd get mad at me and I'd get in trouble!"
"Oh, alright," I responded, "what if you just went up and hit her?"
Another eye roll. At this point I realized that I am doing a few things right as a mother. Then the bridge to enter into some good ideas emerged.
"What if you went and talked to DD1 to let her know how you are feeling?"
"I don't think she'll talk to me mom."
"Do you think maybe DD1 is having a bad day and it might not have anything to do with whether or not she likes you?"
"I guess..."
"How about we give DD1 a few hours. Lets see how things are in the morning, and if it is still a big problem, we can discuss it together, as a family? What do you think?"
Within a matter of five minutes DD2 was fast asleep in her bed, stomach pains alleviated for the time being and we had a plan of action to move forward with together. The stressors and anxieties of our children can often be overlooked by us as parents and sometimes even diminished in their sweet minds. Even though our world is much bigger and much more complex, a child's world is the only world they know. Regardless of the problem, they feel real stress and anxiety and they rely on us as their parents to help them through those stressors. It is our job to help them. Don't panic if you don't know how. I know I find myself grappling for answers on a regular basis.
To wrap this post up in a neat bow, I want to bring this full circle so you can apply it to yourself as well. Over the years, I have had personal one-on-one counseling. A very good counselor of mine taught me a technique that I use on myself and I use with my children. As I reflected on this experience with DD2, I realized I implemented this technique with my daughter without even recognizing it at the time. Perhaps that is a sign that I am on the path to mastery, at least with this technique. I could be delusional but I like to think I am on a path to discovery.
The technique she outlined is very simple. To utilize this technique follow four steps when you or your integrity is under attack by your own inner voice or by bullies around you:
1) Make a Statement: I am CHALLENGING this THOUGHT
2) Ask a Question: Is IT true? Is this thought true?
*HINT* Most, if not all, of the time the thought is NOT true
3) Ask a Question: What am I without the thought?
4) As you ask that question and receive your own personal answer, hold on to that feeling. Hold it tight and run with it.
I'm not going to answer this last question for you or tell you how you should be feeling by step four because you will discover what you need when you follow through with this exercise.
The purpose of this post is not to endorse materials on the commercial market. In fact, I doubt either the Emotional ABC's entity or Love and Logic entity even realizes I am writing anything about them whatsoever. I'm almost certain they know nothing about my blog. Also, I am not suggesting you go out and buy everything you see to help emotional situations. What I am suggesting is that you take what you can, learn from it, grow from it, experiment upon it and apply what will work for you and your family in mediums that your family will be receptive to your new knowledge. I may purchase the Emotional ABC's. I may not. I haven't decided yet. What I have done is implemented some of their strategies from their ad in my home and it worked. Shel Silverstien is one of my favorite authors. I enjoy his poetry so I'd like to end with a poem by Mr. Silverstien.
It may feel like it will take you eighty nine years to get a hold of the emotional situations in your home, but a hold of it you will get. Be patient, persistent and open to new ideas to try because the little moments you experiment with now are what will strengthen the hard moments later.
~Elizabeth~
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