Over the last several days, I have really felt out of sorts lately and I haven't been able to peg it; that is until this morning. As I was getting ready for work this morning I was feeling frustrated and agitated at the bad dreams I've been having lately. Sleep is sometimes the only way to escape the thoughts running through my head. When I have bad dreams, I just don't feel rested or feel like I've had a chance to reboot my mind.
This morning I realized that my anxiety levels are rising and I also realized it is the end of August. September / October time frame is always when DH hits his next season of manic / depressive episodes. Normally I have from March through September to regroup and recuperate from his last episode season. This year I did not get that break. Last August he hit his season, which was too early for my taste because normally I have a month to prepare myself mentally. He did not stabilize until July of this year. I'm not ready for another season. I'm just not.
I'd like to point out that DH hasn't hit is seasonal episode for this year yet. I have enjoyed the last month and a half so much and I just am not ready to batten down the hatches and hunker down for another storm that will last until February or March.
I realize logically that I am thwarting the few weeks of stable moments I have left and my hypersensitivity is short changing me. I guess I find myself asking, what is it that is going to make this season better? What is it that is going to make this season different?
Over the last year, I have found strength that I did not know I had. Over the last year I have found resources I did not know I had. Over the last year I have found an inner core inside myself that has given me more power than I ever realized I had.
I think the reality is that I'm scared. I'm scared to face this season again because I am so tired. It takes a lot of energy to be strong. It takes a lot of energy to maintain routine, an upbeat attitude and encouragement toward my children and husband. It takes a lot of energy to stay logical when moments become illogical. It takes a lot of energy to know that deep down inside, when there is no room for me to receive attention, when there is no room for me to have my needs met, it takes a lot of energy to know that I have value, that I am desirable, that I am worth effort. It takes a lot of energy to keep going. I don't know where I am going to pull this energy from this year.
This morning, I continually told myself - Elizabeth, just get through the next ten minutes. Now get through the next ten minutes, now ten more. I hope, through the support of this blog and the support of friends and family that this season will be significantly better than last season. I hope that the knowledge I have gained over the last twelve months will help me over the next twelve months. I pray that tender mercies from the Lord will help me through the ten minute duration moments that I need them most.
To many, I have appeared strong. To many, I have appeared courageous. Today I am neither. Today I am human, I am weak and I am afraid. Today, my fears are getting the best of me. I will get through this. DH will get through this. We get through it every year. This year I am just not ready for it to begin. It is as simple as that.
~Elizabeth~
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