Throughout my blog posts, I have asserted that I choose
to stay with DH. Over and over again I have stated that come hell or high
water, we are in it for the long haul. My choice is not your choice. Your
choice can be the same as mine. My choice can be different from yours.
Of the plethora of things to worry about when it comes
to mental illness, establishing your boundaries and establishing what behaviors
from your mentally ill partner of you will and will not tolerate is of the
utmost importance. I have known women who have left their partner because her partner
proceeds with behavior that surpasses her comfort zone of what she is not willing
to tolerate.
Jimmy Durante comedically expresses our feelings of
wanting to stay and wanting to go.
wanting to stay and wanting to go.
In his book, The
Four Agreements, author Don Miguel Ruiz tells us, and I’m paraphrasing
here, that we are only willing to accept the way we are treated from others to
the level we treat ourselves. In other words, we are willing to accept unfair
treatment, mistreatment and even abuse only to the level in which we abuse
ourselves.
Think about that for a moment.
If we are willing to degrade ourselves, listen to our negative
inner voice and condemn ourselves to pieces of nothingness – we are willing to
accept that behavior from others – even our most intimate partners and lovers.
If we are NOT willing to accept and tolerate our own negative
inner voice of worthlessness chants, if we are NOT willing to treat ourselves
as unworthy people who do not deserve respect and proper treatment – we will
NOT accept that behavior from others. When others cross the line that we have
drawn within ourselves, we find it easy to leave that partner, yes even that
lover, when our personal boundaries have been violated.
Eleanor Roosevelt’s infamous quote comes to mind: “No
one can make you feel inferior without your permission”.
Emotional Abuse and Mental Illness
Mental Illness and Abusive Relationships are NOT the
same thing. Mental Illness and Abusive Relationships can and sometimes do
co-exist. On the flip side, mentally ill individuals can and often are
involved in otherwise healthy relationships which do not involve abusive
behaviors. It is VERY IMPORTANT to understand: Mental Illness and Abusive
Behaviors are TWO SEPARATE PROBLEMS which should be treated INDIVIDUALLY.
In their blog post “Does Mental Illness Cause Abuse?”at loveisrespect.org, we are told “Lundy Bancroft, who has written several
well-known books about abusive relationships, says that an abusive partner’s ‘value system is unhealthy, not their
psychology.’ If the abuse were caused by a mental illness, an abusive partner
would also yell at and/or hit their family members, friends and coworkers when
upset.”
Evaluating whether your partner is
abusive toward you exclusively or suffers from a larger problem and treats
others the same way he or she treats you during mental illness episodes is
something you must analyze if you suspect you are in a relationship that is
unhealthy or abusive.
Now, I am probably going to step on some toes here,
but in my opinion, that is alright. People with mental illness can and often do
emotionally manipulate and/or abuse their partners and family members. The
highest form of mental illness manipulation is suicide threats with no real
intention to take one’s own life, rather the intention is to take power and
control over the life of their partner or parents. They threaten and manipulate
because they know they can. When your loved one threatens suicide, you, the
receiver of the threat, have stepped onto an incredibly fine line to walk by no
choice of your own. The line is fine and narrow because it is virtually
impossible to read the mind of another. You and I do not have licensed medical
training. We are not qualified to determine whether or not someone in our life
is truly suicidal or if they are manipulating us to exhaustion to get what they
want. If your loved one is threatening suicide, you owe it to your partner and
you owe it to yourself to implement the safety plan you have previously
agreed upon, contact your partner’s medical physician(s) and if necessary take
your partner to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation as soon as the
suicide threats and behaviors begin. Do not play games. Do not try to become
the therapist and the negotiator to talk your partner off the proverbial ledge.
If it is drastic, call 911. Let a professional determine the severity and
validity of your partner’s suicidal episodes.
Choosing to go or choosing to stay in your relationship
is an incredibly personal decision. You will not find your answer as to whether
or not you should stay or leave your relationship in my blog. The reason you
will not find your personal answer is because I cannot give you your answer. I
know you wish that I could, but I cannot.
In her book, The Emotionally Abused
Woman, author Beverly Engel, M.F.C.C. tells us that there are particular types
of women who are more prone to enter into emotionally abusive relationships
(remember, mental illness and abusiveness can co-exist but does not always blur
into one another). She also tells us that there are hallmark traits and
techniques abusers use to continue their behavioral tendencies against their
victims. If you think you are in an emotionally abusive relationship AND your
partner is mentally ill, you must look long and hard at whether or not you want
to continue in this type of relationship.
The Modem Operandi (MO) of emotional abuser identifying
traits are surmised below. Keep in mind these abusive roles can be taken on by
male or female individuals and are a general overview that may or may not be complete in description.
- The Possessor: Their message ‘above all, always be available to me’.
- The Napoleon: Their message ‘I will ridicule and put you down to make myself feel better in front of anyone’.
- The Bulldozers: Their message ‘I will feed my power hunger by mowing down anyone and anything to get ahead while manipulating you to think I am guiding and assisting you’ (often found in business relationships).
- The Controllers: Their message ‘I am a tyrant and I will control whomever I want to control just for the sake of controlling even if the rules are unreasonable, make no sense or upset the children’.
- The Sex Addict: Their message ‘I want sex every day, maybe even multiple times a day. If you do not give me sex, including “kinky” acts, when I want it you are hurting me. I will become angry and irritable or I will withdraw from you entirely’.
- The Antisocial Personality: Their message ‘I live by my own set of rules. I will do what I want, when I want. I am selfish, impulsive and callous. Your needs do not matter. Also, it isn’t my fault that I act this way’ (this type of personality typically engages in alcoholism, substance abuse, gambling, pornography and extramarital affairs to name a few).
- The Narcissist: Their message ‘my brilliance, power, success and achievement entitle me to whatever I want, whenever I want’.
- The Misogynist: Their message ‘women do not deserve respect. Women are objects to be treated however I want to treat them’ (*note: women can be misogynistic toward other women).
- The Blamer: Their message ‘Everything I do is right. Everything that goes wrong is not because of me it is because of someone else, something else or someplace else. It is your fault I treat you this way’.
- The Destroyer: Their message ‘I will find your weakness and I will destroy you with it. It could be by exploiting you, financially wrecking you or making you believe you are completely undesirable’.
- Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: Their message ‘I will be the most generous person you have ever met and when you are not looking, I will turn into the meanest and most viscous person you have ever encountered. My mood swings will make your head spin’.
Right here I am going to insert the APA reference for
the bulleted items above. I do not want it to be misconstrued that I have taken
Beverly Engel’s content as my own. She is the author of the above MO traits for
abusers.
If you suspect emotional abuse in your relationship
with your mentally ill partner, whether you are male or female, I recommend Ms.
Engel’s book. It will give you understanding and perspective regarding your
personality type as well as your partner’s personality type. Ms. Engel’s book
can help you navigate conflicting emotions you may be experiencing. Explore and
educate yourself not only with The
Emotionally Abused Woman but with other scholarly reading materials, sound
advice of professionals, trusted advisers and your gut intuition so you can
make the best possible decision for yourself and your life.
Your choice is yours to own
Whether you decide to stay or go, it is your choice.
You must accept this. When you recognize that you are either choosing to stay
for the long haul or choosing to leave for the health of yourself and possibly
your children you must make this choice with the loud voice of an advocate of
yourself, not the voice of a whimpering victim succumbing to the circumstances
around you.
If you choose to stay, do not make this decision
lightly. Do not promise your partner your choice to stay with wavering
intentions and fingers crossed behind your back. I promise you, you will hurt
and destroy your partner more severely than if you were to leave to begin with.
If you truly care about your partner and your partner’s health and well-being,
you will not manipulate your partner into believing something you yourself do
not believe. There is no shame in admitting to your partner that you want to
stay but you are not sure if you can. There is no shame in admitting that in
order for you to stay, certain behaviors or certain adherences to his or her
mental health treatment must happen. When you are open and honest with your
partner and your partner is open and honest with you in return, working with
your partner becomes a viable option in staying for the long haul. You cannot
be the only one doing all the work. Your partner cannot be the only one doing all
the work. This is a PARTNERSHIP. You do it together or you don’t do it at all.
Rest if you must but do not stop the work if you choose to stay.
If you choose to leave, do not make this decision
lightly. Do not leave your partner and bounce back. Do not send conflicting
messages. If you leave, make it a break that is as clean as possible. If you
choose to leave, understand that you are NOT responsible for any actions your
partner takes because you have left. It is not your responsibility to stay in a
relationship, if the only reason you are staying, is to stop someone from
hurting themselves. It is NEVER your role to be held hostage emotionally. That
being said; I know of three relationships off the top of my head that began
with divorce and ended in suicide. I do not say this to scare you. I say this
because this is reality. I am not going to pretend this does not happen. You
are responsible for your own health first and your partner’s health second.
This is the healthy way for relationships to function. If you look at yourself
in the mirror and say that you cannot live with yourself if your partner
committed suicide if you left (or if you stayed), seek your own personal
counseling. Seek help for yourself. Good therapists worth their salt will help
you navigate through this emotional minefield within your psyche.
Judgment is not an option
Number 1: Do not judge or condemn yourself for decisions you make
whether you stay or whether you go. You are doing the best you damn well can
with what you have been dealt. Pat yourself on the back for that achievement.
Number 2: Do not tolerate judgments from others who
spy into the tiny window of your life that you have opened for just a peek to
test who you can trust and who you cannot. Onlookers do not know your
circumstances. No one knows your specific circumstances.
Number 3: Do not judge others in similar situations as
yours. Do not think you know the answers for their relationship. Their
relationship is not your relationship.
Remain Strong
Shakespeare wrote in his play, Hamlett, “This above all, to thine own self be true.”
Discovering yourself, your boundaries, your choices
and the consequences of your choices is never easy. Mix in some mental illness,
a few children and the opinions of everyone else around you and it feels
overwhelming. Add in emotional abuse and it becomes equivalent to a novice
explorer climbing Mount Everest. Keep this in mind at all times, you cannot
control anyone except yourself. You can ONLY control YOUR ACTIONS and YOUR
REACTIONS. Nothing more.
Find the strength within yourself to decide whether
you will stay or go. Allow probationary periods. Set probationary deadlines
otherwise probationary periods just turn into years of indecisiveness. Your
decision does not need to be made immediately. Take the time you need. Be
reasonable with yourself and with your mentally ill partner.
Make your decision
and own your decision because you are the person you see in the mirror each and
every day. When you own your decision, you find the confidence you need, the
strength you need to get up when you have fallen, to find strength when you
feel nothing but weakness. When you own your decision, you find yourself.
~Elizabeth~
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