Have you been at a family function and suddenly a family brawl breaks out and no one can pinpoint what actually happened to get everyone in a rage?
Have you watched the one you love completely melt down all the while you are completely helpless until the emotional storm passes?
Hypomanic episodes come on quickly and strong. The thing about hypomanic anger temper tantrums is that they seem to happen when you least expect them. This behavior, these melt downs, are some of the things that upset and frighten the partners of bipolar spouses and children of bipolar parents the most. All logic for the bipolar person goes out the window and we are left with a highly charged emotional situation with no logical path to take. You cannot have a logical conversation with an illogical person. It is impossible.
There are a lot of components that contribute to and create a hypomanic tantrum. Some of the contributors are: emotional and physical triggers, the current emotional dispositions of the mentally ill person, emotional dispositions of partners and children in the same household, manipulation, selfishness and permissiveness. All of these components deserve individual posts of their own. Getting through these emotional temper tantrums deserves this post.
Triggers and emotional dispositions when combined with the right amount of manipulation, selfishness and permissiveness of all parties creates an explosive reaction. Have you seen the video of hundreds of set mouse traps? At the drop of a ball they all go off at once. When you watch this video below think of your emotions, your bipolar loved one's emotions and all other factors symbolized in each individual mouse trap. I chose a video with eggs because so often families who live with bipolar feel like they are always walking on eggshells just waiting for the next eruption to take place:
In her book "When Someone You Love Is Bipolar" Cynthia G. Last, PhD outlines what could spark a manic-depressive episode. While I won't go into each of her paragraph explanations of each item, I do want to list the sparks that could send you and your loved one spiraling into an episode. Cynthia tells us the following items can set off mood episodes:
- Disturbances of the sleep-wake cycle
- Changes in routine
- Seasonal patterns
- Stressful life events
- "Small" stressors that have a big impact
- Substance-induced mood episodes
The biggest thing I have found that has been helpful for me are two things: 1) The only person I can control is myself. I can't control DH, I can't control my kids. If there are negative actions in my home the only thing I can control are my reactions. 2) I MUST learn DH's triggers and recognize them before he does, if possible, so I can see the storm coming.
For the longest time I have tried to control the moods of everyone in my home. Who says what to whom, who should apologize to whom and who should be kind to whom. It has run me ragged. I can only control myself. I can only control my reactions. I have learned that there have been times when I have had to hunker down and wait out the emotional storm when DH hits a hypomanic tantrum. I have learned that there have been times when I have had to puff up my chest, stand my ground and demand that the behavior stop. I have learned that there have been times when I have had to leave the situation entirely. There have been times when I have had to know when to call 911 if I am truly afraid that my husband is a danger to himself. I have never believed him to be a danger toward me or my children. There have been nights I have tucked my sweet children into bed and reassured them that "Dad will be back. He just went for a drive to cool off. Everything is alright" all the while knowing in that moment I could be lying to my children and I could be lying to myself. In those nights I have cried myself to sleep because DH has left in a rage and I didn't know if he would return home or if highway patrol would come to my door and tell me they found him dead in his car that had been driven off a cliff. Yes, I have been through all of these moments and have breathed huge sighs of relief when the emotional storm has passed, thanked the Lord for getting us through one more episode and have begged the Lord to not let us go through another one. I have wept bitter tears through prayers pleading for strength and glorified God in my humble prayers when things have seemed to have become better.
Triggers, when you learn to recognize them, are the key to your compass in these emotional storms. In the beginning, usually life stressors are pretty obvious and in hind sight you recognize that "ah ha" moment as "that is what sent him into a downward spiral". As the years progress, big triggers turn into smaller triggers until all that is needed are micro-triggers or no triggers at all. Just the idea that a trigger *might* happen, is enough to send DH into a hypomanic tantrum. Everyone has their own personal pet peeves and all bipolar individuals have their own personal triggers. It can be tricky and difficult to decipher what your loved one's triggers are; especially if their triggers have developed into micro-triggers at this point in their lives. For DH, his most common triggers are over stimulation, too much noise, too many people such as overcrowded rooms or public arenas, a messy or unkempt house, a messy car or lack of order in general. DH has obsessive compulsive tenancies. He has never been diagnosed with OCD, but a lack of order often sends him into a tailspin. DH is easily triggered if he has not had adequate or enough rest. Lastly, DH can be easily triggered if he is late on his medication dosage or has missed a dose all together.
Knowing this information has made me hypersensitive to all the things around me. Think of Spider Man when he first recognized that he was different after that infamous spider bite. Every sound, every visual moment, every touch of his fingers and toes, was grossly magnified. I feel like my Spidey Senses are always on guard and ready for action at a moment's notice. It can be exhausting. It can be frustrating and it can be mind numbing. But of everything, my hypersensitivity is the most beneficial skill I have learned. I have learned to control myself in extremely hard situations and I have learned to detect micro-triggers from minutes and sometimes hours away. Often I brace myself for the upcoming storms and I am grateful I have the ability to do so. You can learn to brace yourself too. Learn your limitations, learn what you will and will not put up with, learn what you do not have control of in the emotional storms. Learn where your compass is and how to navigate the triggers that are going off like hundreds of mouse traps all at once.
Now I would like to send a huge accolade shout out to DH. Just a short week ago, he was getting triggered and I knew the storm was coming ... but it didn't come! After months and months of marriage counseling and personal counseling for him on how to control these episodes before they happen, he took his emotional barometric pressure reading and he managed to control himself instead of allowing his emotions to control him. I was so extremely PROUD of him. I don't know if has ever asserted that much control over himself in a hypomanic state. I know it was extremely difficult for him and he asked me for help. DH pleaded with me, "Elizabeth," he said, "I need your help. I am ready to blow and I don't know what to do! I know if I blow, you might move out of our bedroom again and I don't want that. Please help me. I don't want everyone in the house upset with me again." At that moment, I sat next to him on the sofa. I placed my hand on his. I told him that I knew this was hard for him and in just a few short hours, things would be better in his mind again. I told him these emotions would pass, I asked him to trust that the angry and upset emotions would pass because they always do. I told him that I loved him. That I would do everything I could to soothe the triggers the best I could. I also told him that he was right, if he blew, I would probably move out of the bedroom again and I didn't want that either. We both sat on the sofa together and worked through the thunderclouds of emotional storms together, with NO STORM! He was open to my words and my comments. He didn't fight me. He didn't discount me. He listened, he took deep breaths and in those moments we trusted each other fully. This has been a huge breakthrough in my marriage. This has been something that I don't believe has happened, ever, in my nearly 17 years of marriage until just a short week ago.
Your road may be difficult. It may seem like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. It may seem like there is no hope. You and your bipolar loved one must work together. You cannot do this yourself, without your bipolar loved one's help or willingness to try. You will hit your breaking point. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but your breaking point will come. If your bipolar loved one is trying, truly trying; if you feel safe, truly safe, even through the emotional storms of hypomanic tantrums; and if you have a support group of close friends or family, you can get through this, you can find a road to recovery.
I cannot emphasize the point of safety enough. If you have any inkling of fear at all for your safety or your children's safety, you MUST get out of the situation and the relationship. You MUST protect yourself and your children. Do not excuse dangerous behavior enacted or threatened on you or your children under the guise of any mental illness, EVER. Do not confuse tolerance with acceptance of hazardous conditions. Only you know if you or your children are in danger during these hypomanic episodes. A dear friend of mine disclosed a personal situation of hers to me. It was years and years ago. She was married to a bipolar man and was with him for about five years. She had a child with him. In a hypomanic state, he pulled a kitchen knife on her and held it to her throat. She left. She never looked back. She remarried, had more children and now leads a wonderful happy life with her second husband and children. DO NOT TOLERATE abusive behavior from anyone. Abusive behavior is never okay and should never be permitted toward anyone, including you.
Trust yourself. Trust your intuition and trust the path you are on, even when you cannot see the end in sight. Hypomanic states are upsetting, frightening and sometimes earth shattering. Only you know how to get through them, even if you think you do not. You have the knowledge deep inside you. Find it, act on it and move forward with it.
~Elizabeth~
You're a rockstar wife!
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