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The author(s) of this blog are NOT medical experts. The author(s) of this website are NOT religious scholars. The opinions on this blog are based solely upon life experiences and are not intended to be provided as professional advice. Opinions may be formed based on the following, including but not limited to: academic works, published works and religious biblical contexts. Any commentary published on this blog are layman opinions unless expressly specified.

Thursday, March 30, 2017

If I Knew Then What I Know Now

Do you ever find yourself asking "what happened? My life was not supposed to turn out this way. This is not how I expected it to happen!" Often this query runs through my mind relentlessly. And I go back in time and wonder what I would have done differently and when.  My old self is not my new self. My old self would not have understood what my new self does, clearly, because maybe now would be different if I knew then what I know now. But would a current different be better?




Growing up, I was told that if everyone threw all their problems into a huge pile and was given the option to go back to the pile and pick out new problems they had to have, they would pick the same ones they have now. This idea cemented into my childhood mind the way the smell of home baked bread cements memories of holiday gatherings. 

As an adult, I have been told that often we have to go through the same problems over and over again until the lesson is learned. The situation may be different but the end lesson is the same and until we grab hold of AND UNDERSTAND that lesson, we will continue to experience the same pain and the same suffering of the same disheartening struggle. This is a concept I have accepted as reasonably accurate. Take finances for example: until we learn to control our money, our money will control us. Poor financial decisions will continue to be made and scenario after scenario will put us in dire straights as we ride the financial roller coaster of income influxes and debt depletion. 

Whenever I think I have this parenting thing and wife thing figured out, a mirror is held up to my face and I realize I still have so much to learn. So much to grow from. So much struggle and pain ahead of me. 

I know all the clichés. "Marriage is not 50-50, divorce is 50-50. Marriage it is 100-100, you are both all in", "You are not your child's best friend, you are their parent", "Tough love builds character", "Teach them work ethic", "Entitlement hurts them in the end", and my favorite "One day the children will thank you for the way you are raising them".

Listen, this is all well and good, but what about now? What about this moment? What about the fact that despite all the efforts, blood, sweat and tears you feel like the biggest failure and worst parent on the face of the earth? (In case you haven't guessed, that is about where I am at right now.) Because let's face it, we are all human. We all succumb to weaknesses. We all lose our cool. We all fall short of the measuring stick of justice, mercy and grace. And how do we reconcile that with the anger, frustration and pain of our children and spouse? 

As I sit curled up trying to find answers to all these questions, I'll tell you what I do know. I know that good friends are invaluable. Good communication is key. Acknowledging when you are wrong and admitting your mistakes is imperative. What I do know is that I am almost always wrong and that is okay. What I do know is that I am continually learning, continually growing and continually becoming a new me. A me that the old me does not know and would not recognize. What I do know is that today, I am a little less wrong than I was yesterday. Tomorrow I will be a little less wrong than I am today. What I do know is that you don't know what you don't know.

In his book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck author Mark Manson tells us "Growth is an endlessly iterative process. When we learn something new, we don’t go from “wrong” to “right.” Rather, we go from wrong to slightly less wrong. We are always in the process of approaching truth and perfection without actually ever reaching truth or perfection.

We shouldn't seek to find the ultimate "right" answer for ourselves, but rather, we should seek to chip away at the ways that we're wrong today so that we can be a little less wrong tomorrow."

Mark Manson also tells us that suffering is inevitable and in fact necessary for our growth and progress. Even though Mark tells us this, suffering just flat out stinks because it hurts so damn bad.

So here's the thing:

1. I am never going to be a perfect wife in this life.

2. I am never going to be a perfect mother in this life.

3. I am never going to be a perfect me in this life.

4. As long as I am on this earth, my suffering will not end (dismal, right?).

5. My truths are not full. My truths today will become greater truths tomorrow because wrongs today will further expand and enlighten my truths tomorrow.

All of these things are okay. What is not okay is emotionally punishing myself for the things that simply will not be: perfection, cessation of suffering and lack of full and ultimate truth. What is also not okay is giving up and tossing everything to the wind. What is not okay is to adopt complacency of what is. What is not okay is to NOT try to be a little less wrong, a little less imperfect tomorrow.

So, we choose our pain. We choose our suffering. We choose our "wrongness". By making these choices, we choose our happiness, we choose our progress and we choose our new selves. My mistakes will continue. My hope is that my mistakes will be a little less "mistake-ey" tomorrow than they are today. How do I do this? By accepting the suffering, by feeling the pain, by letting my wrongness today guide my wrongness tomorrow.

Looking into that mirror that has been held up to my face is hard. It hurts. Acknowledging my wrongdoings and faults is just flat out tough. The pain I feel within myself from this reflection is what makes life real. It is what makes my old self become my new self. While I cannot change the frustration, anger and hurt of the person holding the mirror up to my face, I can certainly change who I am now versus who I was before. Who I am now takes responsibility for my own actions. Who I am now seeks forgiveness of the person I have offended. Who I am now recognizes that my wrongness can and often does hurt another, even those whom I love the absolute most in my life. When I cast my eyes up and look at the face of the person holding the mirror for my view, it takes great effort and strength for me to shove my pride aside and apologize, truly apologize for the pain and hurt I have caused with my truths that are not full and my wrongs that could be a little less wrong.

Choosing progress means I can cause my actions today to be different than my actions from yesterday. When I don't know how to make those changes, I can rely on my friends and family for help. I can rely on my God and my Creator for peace, understanding and clarity to living a more Christ-like life. Through friends, through family and through Jesus Christ I can find suggestions and alternatives to the same problems attached to different scenarios with the same end result lessons. One day, I will learn the lessons I am supposed to learn. One day I will progress from the same problem / different scenario formula. Today is not that day. When I progress I will move on to other problems in that big pile I pulled all my problems from to begin with.

Being perfect is not the goal. Making progress is the goal. If I knew then, what I know now, I would have less hurt feelings in my wake, less pain in my wake, less regret in my wake. If I knew then, what I know now I would know that each scenario, each moment, each encounter allows me the opportunity to be a little less wrong and yet, in each future scenario, moment and encounter, I will still continue to be wrong but maybe just obtain a little more truth and a little more progress in each situation.

Apologizing when you are wrong is hard. Harder still is apologizing when the offended party refuses to accept your apology. The most difficult pain is accepting another's apology who has offended you when they never intend to apologize to you for the harm they have caused.

This blog post has not focused on mental illness. It has focused on mental awareness. Awareness of the trappings of our minds when we mess up, make mistakes and offend others we did not mean to offend. Becoming mentally aware of self-mastery and self-progression is one of life's greatest challenges and yet it is a challenge each and every one of us face. There is no differentiation of race, gender, ethnicity, creed, nationality, social status or economic status. We ALL face the challenges of self-awareness, self-progress, civility and humanity. If you have offended another, be quick to apologize. If you have offended another, forgive yourself. Recognize your wrongness deserves forgiveness. If someone has apologized to you for their wrongness, be quick to accept - forgiveness is for you, not the offending party. If someone has offended you and refuses to apologize for their wrongness, forgive them anyway - forgiveness is for you, not the offending party. 

I end with the words of Mother Theresa of Calcutta:

"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good, give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."

~Elizabeth~
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